I hate transitions. I wish I could embrace them but I don't know how. With my oldest at school and now alone with my youngest, I am still not feeling like I have found my way. I am not happy here; in this house, in this neighborhood, in this town, in this country. Everywhere I look I see Wal Marts & processed food, trashy toys and excessive junk, people who pretend to be something they are not - psychic vampires, as Dave likes to call them. I know there is beauty to be found here but its hidden in the tiny corners of everyday life and I sometimes forget to look for it.
Instead I dream of other, more simple places; remote villages in Europe, aging houses made of stone that are still standing the test of time, fruit trees, grassy fields, open markets with native fruits and veggies, fresh cheeses, breads. Meat from animals who have died with dignity. A place where time isn't so lacking.
I don't want my girls growing up surrounded by all of this unimportant stuff; the latest clothing or toy fad, the playground politics, a culture where Christmas trees are ALREADY for sale at the local department store (oh, yes, I've seen 'em!)
My head is bursting with too many thoughts these days, keeping me awake all night. I feel too overwhelmed (and too tired) to make a change, to get the hell out of here. Its a scary prospect, changing your whole way of life. Stepping into the unknown...
All I feel I can do right now is escape into the melodies my iPod plays for me, replace my excessive thoughts with the images in foreign films and the amazing foreign photos on Flickr and breathe in my husband and children. It all keeps me sane - for now.
