t r a n s i t i o n i n g

I hate transitions. I wish I could embrace them but I don't know how. With my oldest at school and now alone with my youngest, I am still not feeling like I have found my way. I am not happy here; in this house, in this neighborhood, in this town, in this country. Everywhere I look I see Wal Marts & processed food, trashy toys and excessive junk, people who pretend to be something they are not - psychic vampires, as Dave likes to call them. I know there is beauty to be found here but its hidden in the tiny corners of everyday life and I sometimes forget to look for it.

Instead I dream of other, more simple places; remote villages in Europe, aging houses made of stone that are still standing the test of time, fruit trees, grassy fields, open markets with native fruits and veggies, fresh cheeses, breads. Meat from animals who have died with dignity. A place where time isn't so lacking.

I don't want my girls growing up surrounded by all of this unimportant stuff; the latest clothing or toy fad, the playground politics, a culture where Christmas trees are ALREADY for sale at the local department store (oh, yes, I've seen 'em!)

My head is bursting with too many thoughts these days, keeping me awake all night. I feel too overwhelmed (and too tired) to make a change, to get the hell out of here. Its a scary prospect, changing your whole way of life. Stepping into the unknown...

All I feel I can do right now is escape into the melodies my iPod plays for me, replace my excessive thoughts with the images in foreign films and the amazing foreign photos on Flickr and breathe in my husband and children. It all keeps me sane - for now.

Comments

[Wendy B.]

I can relate to this feeling you describe, but for me, it was more of feeling like I never really belonged, which came from having lived so many places and being in none.

I also wanted the simplicity of living way far away from things - not in Europe (been there, done that, wasn't my thing), but here in Maine, as far away as I could get.

We tried and failed to find that little piece of peace for a very long time, and I've finally come to the realization that this is where I need to be and am making it "be" what I want. I'm learning to mold my surroundings to meet my needs instead of lamenting what I don't have.

It's taken me a long time to get here. I hope you're able to find your peace soon.

[Jodi]

I read this much earlier today. It was so beautiful and so familiar, that I came back to say something ... and, that was it.

[camerashymomma]

hey i found you here through your flickr airstream shot. i felt compelled to say something, your words really rang true with me.

i often fear that i will keep running to the far corners of the earth and still find myself furious and sad.

i think when you reach for your iPod you should also grab your camera, because the images you capture are true life art. and honestly, your camera lens inspires me. let it be your eyes. your photographs depict the type of simplicity that i want to wrap myself in. surreal visions of truth. i think that it's all in how we see it ya know? and you have a great eye, i just wanted to say that.

wishing you peace and good tunes.

[Angela]

This was beautifully written. I feel your words. My husband and I are always talking about very similar things. Wondering what our next life step should be and how to get the most out of our family's life together. Should it be here? Should we pack up and do something "crazy"? Leave the country? Simplicity and peace is what we seem to crave. I hope you find your answers.

[Nina]

I am living in Europe, in Germany. And I know that feeling, the need to get away from things.
In Europe, you can't really escape mass-produced food, you can't escape latest clothing styles, you can't even escape school. (In Germany, children have to go to school by law! No Homeschooling allowed).
I lived in the US for a year, and it is different. But it is still Europe.

I don't want to destroy your dream. Please come to Europe, live here for some time.

But I think the transition you seek must happen inside yourself. I found that out for myself and since then I can really make these changes. It is my dream to live on an island just off the German cost. And one day I will fullfil my dream.

I wish you luck for finding your way.

nina

And since English is not my native language, I hope nothing of the above is rude or anything. I hope I could properly express what I mean.

[Anne]

You are not alone in the thoughts you have. I have a quote from Gandhi on my refrigerator at home that I read when I am frustrated (I'm sure you know it): "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." I do not know you, but I think you will find an answer.

[leslie]

oh my gosh, i feel so many of the same feelings. be glad you dont live in southern california with all the hollywood hip hop crapola on top of all the walmart american lifestyle. i love your blog and photos, feel your pull toward europe so bad! i just finished "under the tuscan sun" finally and am reading "bella tuscany" and savoring every page. i love the idea of an old farmhouse in france or italy, old stone walls, farmers markets, walking through ruins and relics. i could trade all i have right now to experience it but know my family would be beyond shocked if i did. just know, that as long as you dream it, you can have it, just might take a little while. maybe we will meet up someday in the same small town! :) thanks for sharing!

[Sara]

I admit I usually lurk. I find a lot of inspiration in your words today. So much so that I had to comment. I feel so many of the things your were describing, especially the playground politics, it scares me raising two open children in this "mass production, look like you 17 at 5" society. And the rat race, how do we get off the wheel and still make our house payment? The daily struggle with funds, and needs, and wants, when really I would love to run back the family farm of my youth. I say all this to say, it felt good to read your words and understand that I am not alone. thank you.

[mo]

lets make our own town!

yay.. that would be o cool.

[mo]

oh, and I want to say your writing is beautiful. I love your feelings and senses, the insight you have and the clarity of your vision through all this confusion.

J,
xxxxxx

[Jessica Marie]

I drove by an X-mas tree lot yesterday! I don't get it? Why is everyone in such a hurry? It's going to be Halloween soon! That's exciting too!

[Minnesota mama]

Your words feel so familiar. For a few years now, I have dreamed of moving my family (we have three little girls) to a simple stone cottage in France. Some days it's so strong that I can feel the yearning inside. I am still working on how we could earn a living there, and how we would manage it. I hold the dream in my pocket as I go through my daily life.

One day a year or so ago, when I was ready to pack up and just move us all away, I was looking at French cottages online and found a charming one with a beautiful stone fireplace. It was exactly right--cozy, simple, wholesome, seas away from America's plastic culture. With a shiver, I realized that the strong, beautiful hearth I was admiring looked a lot like the one behind me in my own living room. It stopped me still. I already had what I wanted, if I could see it that way. France will still come for our family in time, but for now, we are here and maybe that could feel ok.

Not long after, we found a small Waldorf school nearby. We pulled our girls from the neighborhood school and its craziness, and put them there. Ever since, they've been singing peaceful songs about the earth and sky, and are encircled, for now at least, in a community that feels more thoughtful. Calm and wholesome, compared to our old world. Waldorf isn't right for everyone, and every school is so different, but for us, it has helped us find peace while we wait for our time in a stone cottage in France.

Wishing you contentment in your own place today, and hope in the smiles of your sweet family. It's so poignant to read your story when it echoes my own. Thank you for putting it to words.

[lyndon]

I've grown so tired of plastic food and plastic people, too. But I'm also quickly getting frustrated with the thickness of class divide here in india. Where in the world do we find unqualified kindness and sincerity?

What's playing on the ipod?

[Bluebirdbaby]

I think I could have written this post. Glad to know I'm not alone and not the only one who is too afraid to take the leap.

[jean]

hey you. you and my boy have so much in common. peeps who see more clearly, listen and feel more deeply, have times like these. It's the curse that comes with the gift. You'll find the way, bellablue. you and what you see are so beautiful.

[Grace]

i know that it's been a long while since you wrote this and i hope that things are better for you now, that your transition has smoothed somewhat.

i know just what you're saying about wanting to escape all the things that are so disgusting about this place, this time, etc. sometimes the thing i most want to escape is my own *head* -- all those thoughts swirling around.

i know how hard it is to have to look into the corners of everyday life to seek and find the beauty of everyday life. but i also think that when i'm stuck in a place of seeing all the very real negatives around me (the wal-marts, the mcdonald's, the xmas trees in AUGUST, and so on) that i am really denying myself the opportunity to see the very real beautiful things that also truly exist.

i agree with nina above that the change must be within you first ... or you'll get to europe and start noticing that human ugliness is just human ugliness, no matter the locale.

i don't want to end on a downer, and i don't want to be preachy *at all*, so just know that here's a mama a long way west of you who often feels the same way and wishes you many blessings on your journey.

[Zo]

I too found your blog through your Flickr page.

I hear ya, sista! I did time in central Minnesota and thought I would just lose it. You are good to seek solace in your immediate family. It's all that matters. When I had my twin boys, we lived on Hwy 10 across the street from a gas station in a tiny little house...one friend that was 10 years younger than me, husband that traveled and twin boys that did not converse yet. It's a Wal-Mart world that we live in...ever so true in central Minnesota. But, even Europe suffers this sort of thing.

BTW, if you're not a professional photographer, you should be... I love your pictures and you should make a profession of it...you are great. You sure know how to find beauty through your lens.

[amy]

I just found your blog today, and i am so glad. Your photography is beautiful!
Your post really made me reflect on my own life: I grew up in Italy to an Iranian father and an American mother. I am so so so glad that I was given that opportunity. I now live in NYC, I've been here 3 years and I look forward to when the time is right for me and my husband to move, to move back to Europe or to Africa or to Asia or to South America. Anywhere but North America. I think about it every. single. day.
And then I think, wait - THIS is my life, right now, this moment. Not tomorrow. Not next year. So I either need to change my life so that i can start enjoying it and being happy in it NOW. I might never move somewhere else, even if i am sitting here, wishing it and wanting it with all my soul.
My parents instilled in me a strong sense of appreciation for life - and the fact that life doesn't just happen to you. Sure, there are happenings that you have no control over, but you can learn at an early ago to understand what consumerism means, what life is like for people in other parts of the world, and my whole life i was told that I had a personal responsibility to do something to change this world, to make things better. I live every day of my life thinking about that and striving to live up to that. And I am glad I am defined by that.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts- i just wanted you to know, you are not alone.

[asti]

I've only just found you through Amandas blog. Hope you feel more at peace now? It could have been me writing the words above, I had a big crisis of the same sort the last 3 months of last year........I've now made some changes and am trying to seek out the positive in the everyday stuff right in front of me. I'm in the UK and it's no different. We are in a reasonably rural part so it's less intense, but still we cant escape. They've just built a HUGE Asda (Walmart) in our little market town - right in the centre, it looks like an aircraft hanger. It's so depressing.
Anyhow, love your blog and photography. Look forward to following your 30 days of seeing with Amanda...

[Ana]

maybe it's stupid to comment about this so many months later... but i just found your blog this right moment... (through soules' blog)...anyway... i know about the exact feelings you describe... i also feel "like I have not found my way" ... i dont feel i belong in this town .. this neighbourhood...this job... this country... i sometimes say... that this is not the set to play my everyday's role... i feel like dragging me through the days... until the day where i can start living my life...and raising my child in a way i don't feel right... anyway... thank you for sharing... i'm sure it helped you ... and it helps others...

...

[Visty]

I have so much to say here that I don't want to take up your bandwidth! ha! I blogged it instead.

[Lina]

This strikes such a chord. We moved to Canada last year from the UK for many reasons, one of those being an attempt to simplify our lives. 18 months later I'm finally realising that it really is a state of mind. Same problems, different place...it all catches up with you in the end. Hope that doesn't sound too depressing but it's taken 35 years of moving from place to place to figure this one out!

[selah]

I'm coming into this conversation late. I just found your site via Soulemama and I'm glad I did.

I know maybe the nuggest of truth that I gleaned from your writing wasn't your main point but... I really connected to how hard the transition is to having your oldest in school and be home with the younger child. My younger is 20 monthes and I still haven't figured out how to be the mom I was with my first or how to adjust to my olderst being out of the house all day. Everything seems harder and I feel spread too thin and it makes all the other negative societal things weigh heavier on me. I'll stop babbling now and just hope I'm not on a tangent by little old self.
I look forward to reading more about you and your journey.
Thanks.
Selah

[prairie daze]

just found you and this post...you spoke from and to my heart.

thank you.

[jmbmommy]

it is nice to see so many people are on our boat. Keep afloat!